Yes its Wednesday...it feels more like Monday...
I woke this morning with the vision of being at my Uncles funeral in January rendering the final salute at his grave site...I miss him today, I really wish we got to hit the road liked we talked of before he died...you always think you have so much time to fit these things in...
We were going to 'road trip' to route 66 out west and just hang out...like the movies and such, although without the police chases and fugitive crap! LOL... I couldnt promise that I would refrain from smoking a fat one watching a beautiful sunset though...we would have had a good time! Just to do 'one more' hockey game, trip to Ideal Hotdog or a movie...or something...
I also miss my sister today...hard to believe that she passed over 4 years ago...between her and my uncle they were the real 'constants' in my life growing up...and I wish I would have done sooooo much more with them both...I guess we just cant go back...
I also carry the regret daily of not being a larger part of 'C's' life, my 18 year old son...what his stupid bitch mother doesnt realize is that nary a day went by when I didnt think of him, how he was...if he was safe...if he was happy. The farther time went on the harder it became to 'chase' this relationship...deep down I knew he was 'in good hands' and had loving people around him.
I dont have many 'do overs' left...my life, and the difficulties that I made for myself throughout the years have aged me in certain ways...The lines on my face, the people that I have hurt...all of that is real...I feel it every day...I am aware of who I am and what I have done...God can judge me on that...
My biggest accomplishment is putting my family and my life back together in the past 2+ years, yeah...that was hard...gaining trust back and all that...the love for my wife Debbie was easy...I never stopped loving her even in my darkest hours...I love my kids and my 'miracle baby' Sarah Grace has helped put my family back together better than I ever imagined! This was the BIG do over! and I have done it right...Debbie and I have a relationship that I feel is so much stronger than before those dark times...
I dont know what brought on those dark times over 3 years ago...I just snapped...reality wasnt getting it done and the destructive behavier began in earnest...I still am so anxiety ridden over those days that I take Lexapro and Xanax to even myself out...I hate myself for what I did to my family then...what I did to Debbie and Robbie...
I vowed to myself when I wanted to fix all of this to do it right and never deviate again...I have been letter perfect...I thank God every day for what I have...every day...I am proud of that! I love my wife and kids beyond belief...
The other 'good' things were checklist items...I admit, though I will always deny that fact from here on...LOL...
Graduating from college...check, honors in Engineering...check!!
Return to the Army after a 16 year break in service...check, being a commissioned officer on top of that...check!!
I admit, I was not a stellar troop the first time around, sue me, I was fucking 20 in the boring ass peacetime Army...and if you think the Army is fucked up now...you dont even know...peacetime Army=ULTRASUCK!
So where am I going with all of this??? Just venting and reflecting...missing some key people in my life who have passed on...regretting missing out on some other things...the clock never stops for you, me or anyone else...never...
Dont put off until tomorrow what you can get done today...smile! show respect! tell your Mom or whoever, that you love them...take your Dad to dinner...hug your kid(s)...Take nothing for granted! Appreciate what you have and be thankful to 'feel'...
Need to work out later and let some of this out of my body...I hate being eaten by 'what if's'
Later Troopies...
THE LT K
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